Mutation book part 1 (sorry i copied the name off someones rp)
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- Kamran
- Evoker
Mutation
I woke up to the sound of high-pitched, intense screaming. I was alert straight away, more alert than I had ever been in my entire life. It was obvious that something sinister had hit the city of Manhattan.
I studied my surroundings. The place was a wreck. Smashed windows, cracked walls and… and people. Just not any ordinary man or woman or child you would find on the street on any ordinary day. They were more zombified. There was no other way to explain it. They were just, lying there rotting away.
I turned my head and I saw a child. My hands were trembling as I walked towards him… or it. I gently tapped him on the shoulder. No response. I then carefully turned him around.
“Oh my god”, I whispered.
The boy was dead for sure. His face hadn’t started decaying yet but he had bloodstains all over his shirt. He had short brown hair and looked about ten years old. Then I looked at his eyes. Except they weren’t blue, green, brown or any other eye colour that you can think of. They were black. Pure black. He had no pupils or anything. I stared in horror. The boy looked ill. Like a virus was struck down on him. I put the boy back down and stood up.
“What the hell is going on”, I wondered.
I hadn’t dared look outside yet. I listened. I heard noises of helicopters in the distance, more screaming and… and something that sounded like, I can’t explain the sound. It was kind of like electricity, shooting out of someone’s hand.
I took a deep breath and cautiously lifted my head up. I stared into what looked like a living hell. Gangs of people, killing people and torturing them. Except they weren’t walking or running. They were flying.
I couldn’t make out their faces. They were covered in masks. Not the sort that you would find at a theatre or at a Halloween party. They were forged in what looked like steel. One of them was shooting people with his newfound power. I looked down into the battered up, worn down roads and saw a girl. Who was about fifteen or sixteen, harmlessly walking by? No one was attacking her. They seemed to just ignore her. She must have been a mutant like the others but I think she was much stronger. Walking opposite her was a pedestrian. A middle-aged woman. The woman grabbed her and tried to tug her away. I couldn’t make out what she was saying but it seemed as if she was trying to get her away from the criminals in the skies. The girl looked at her and smiled. She looked right into the eyes of the woman and thrust her hand into her stomach. At the end of her fist was a long jagged blade. The girl then sliced her fist upwards straight into the woman’s head. She immediately tumbled to the ground and ceased to exist in life.
I woke up to the sound of high-pitched, intense screaming. I was alert straight away, more alert than I had ever been in my entire life. It was obvious that something sinister had hit the city of Manhattan.
I studied my surroundings. The place was a wreck. Smashed windows, cracked walls and… and people. Just not any ordinary man or woman or child you would find on the street on any ordinary day. They were more zombified. There was no other way to explain it. They were just, lying there rotting away.
I turned my head and I saw a child. My hands were trembling as I walked towards him… or it. I gently tapped him on the shoulder. No response. I then carefully turned him around.
“Oh my god”, I whispered.
The boy was dead for sure. His face hadn’t started decaying yet but he had bloodstains all over his shirt. He had short brown hair and looked about ten years old. Then I looked at his eyes. Except they weren’t blue, green, brown or any other eye colour that you can think of. They were black. Pure black. He had no pupils or anything. I stared in horror. The boy looked ill. Like a virus was struck down on him. I put the boy back down and stood up.
“What the hell is going on”, I wondered.
I hadn’t dared look outside yet. I listened. I heard noises of helicopters in the distance, more screaming and… and something that sounded like, I can’t explain the sound. It was kind of like electricity, shooting out of someone’s hand.
I took a deep breath and cautiously lifted my head up. I stared into what looked like a living hell. Gangs of people, killing people and torturing them. Except they weren’t walking or running. They were flying.
I couldn’t make out their faces. They were covered in masks. Not the sort that you would find at a theatre or at a Halloween party. They were forged in what looked like steel. One of them was shooting people with his newfound power. I looked down into the battered up, worn down roads and saw a girl. Who was about fifteen or sixteen, harmlessly walking by? No one was attacking her. They seemed to just ignore her. She must have been a mutant like the others but I think she was much stronger. Walking opposite her was a pedestrian. A middle-aged woman. The woman grabbed her and tried to tug her away. I couldn’t make out what she was saying but it seemed as if she was trying to get her away from the criminals in the skies. The girl looked at her and smiled. She looked right into the eyes of the woman and thrust her hand into her stomach. At the end of her fist was a long jagged blade. The girl then sliced her fist upwards straight into the woman’s head. She immediately tumbled to the ground and ceased to exist in life.
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- Depth
- Scholar
This should be in the off topics 
And actually... GA might move it themselves... I've seen them move a post before.
Anyways, I like it, and would like to offer some constructional criticism! I found that the word people was used too much. Replacements could be civilian or other words like that, where they would be appropriate. Not saying erase the word people, just lessen it's usage. Also, I feel you dive too head first into the story. Maybe build up a little suspense with a paragraph where he is possibly dreaming, before waking up into this reality. Some people like the quick start, some people don't. I don't mind it, but I personally appreciate a more suspenseful and thought/drawn-out introduction before chaos. Though I like how you build some tension during the chaos. I am interested to see who that violent girl becomes, and if she will end up being the main enemy, or if she will become a friend. I am also interested in how the main character will escape this section of chaos, to even have any friendly interactions with someone, let alone a possible "archenemy."
Good job!! ^_^ (Thumbs Up)
And actually... GA might move it themselves... I've seen them move a post before.
Anyways, I like it, and would like to offer some constructional criticism! I found that the word people was used too much. Replacements could be civilian or other words like that, where they would be appropriate. Not saying erase the word people, just lessen it's usage. Also, I feel you dive too head first into the story. Maybe build up a little suspense with a paragraph where he is possibly dreaming, before waking up into this reality. Some people like the quick start, some people don't. I don't mind it, but I personally appreciate a more suspenseful and thought/drawn-out introduction before chaos. Though I like how you build some tension during the chaos. I am interested to see who that violent girl becomes, and if she will end up being the main enemy, or if she will become a friend. I am also interested in how the main character will escape this section of chaos, to even have any friendly interactions with someone, let alone a possible "archenemy."
Good job!! ^_^ (Thumbs Up)
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- Kamran
- Evoker
Depth, I have just read your reply and I will make some changes to the story. I will tell you the changes that I am making and I am intending to put this girl as the main villain along with someone else who is bullied in his past life. Thank you for the feed back